Responsibility

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I am not responsible for not being able to walk before I was three years old
because I was so fat that my little legs wouldn’t support me.

I am not responsible for the necessity to be taken to my first diet doctor when I was in the second grade.

I am not responsible for weighing 175 lbs in the 6th grade.

But, I am responsible for what I weigh today.

By the time I graduated high school, I weighed 290lbs.

I’m sure that many of you reading this can relate to being the “fat kid” in school.

I had this bright idea in my mid-twenties that if I thought like a thin person, and if I acted like a thin person, I would eventually become a thin person! So I began to read up on thin people.

I started eating sensibly and riding my bike every day and eventually I started losing weight – lots of it!

I lost about 90 lbs and then joined one of those 12-step self-help groups dealing with food addiction….I did get down to a size 9, but then I learned all about guilt and what a spiritual dunce I was…..

Gained it all back….several times.

I have been active in every self-help group you can think of (food-wise) and do well with the support of the group. I just cannot wholeheartedly agree with their brand of spirituality anymore.

But the one thing that I know for sure – absolutely sure! – is that someone who has these food issues so deeply ingrained their subconscious cannot successfully maintain weight loss without a supportive environment.

Four years ago I wore a size 6; today I am back to wearing a size 26.

No, I do not believe that I keep gaining my weight back because of sexual issues and wanting to be unattractive! How often have we heard that one?!!

I loved operating in a thin body! Just the ability to move was wonderful! Not to have to worry about fitting into the movie theater seat or a regular bathroom stall…

No, I believe that I continue to gain my weight back is because it is so deeply ingrained in my subconscious. Food is my “go-to drug” for what ails me. I was a fifties baby and in the fifties, a fat baby was a healthy baby. My mother once said to me, “ Margie, you were such an easy baby! All I had to do was to stick a bottle in your mouth and you would be quiet.” That says volumes.

So….I am NOT responsible for the beginnings of my addiction…but I AM responsible for taking care of it today….I must be accountable.

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Here I am again, going for round number 5….it is so worth it!